Cycle
by ILoveGnomes
Summary: What if the story we see in Merlin is only the first in a cycle of reincarnation? And Merlin is forced to live through them all, fighting the inevitable.


**AN:** So this is the result of me trying to combine reincarnation with reconciling the original legends with the show. I didn't mean for it to get so angsty, it just kind of happened. My knowledge of the original legends is pretty hodge-podge and what you see here is a mix of that and a couple of brief internet searches. If something is totally wrong, I'm sorry. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

* * *

 **Cycle**

I don't know why I thought it would be different this time. Maybe it was because everything else was different. But looking back I was wrong in this too, at its core everything was the same. Still when the dragon promised Arthur would be reincarnated, I wasn't expecting that everyone else would be too. I first got a hint of that when the king's name was Uther and he kind of reminded me of the other Uther but without the irrational hatred of magic and treating me with the respect due a warlock of my power, it was hard to tell. Then Gorlois and Igraine had two daughters: Morgause and Morgana and I realized that this meant it was finally time: Arthur was coming. Seeing as the whole cast was going to be here, I thought I knew what was coming, so I prepared myself for magic to be hunted once more, but could not be properly upset because this was what I had been waiting for. Then Arthur came, beget of Uther's rape of Igraine, with no ensuing hatred of magic and I realized everything would be different (at least that's what I thought, looking back it was more of a hope that I wanted desperately to be true).

In the beginning I thought it was a second chance. Now I realize it was just the second in a cycle, a cycle which I believe will continue to torment me until at last I, Emyrs, poor immortal fool, am allowed to pass on.

I first began to notice what was happening when a man named Uther became king. Enough centuries had passed that the name of the old tyrant was no longer remembered as such, just another name in a long list of previous kings. But this Uther reminded me of the old one, easy to anger and painfully stubborn. However, by this time I was revered as the greatest, most powerful sorcerer in the world, and by this point I was also an old man to look the part, so they also assumed I was wise. Perhaps I assumed it too, figured some good must have come from centuries of life. Anyway, given my elevated station, the king, though stubborn and difficult, did listen to, and sometimes even heed, my advice. This seemed a significant change to me, a sign that things could be different.

My second hint that things may be repeating was when two girls, Morgause and Morgana, were born to Gorlois and Igraine. That this Morgana was not Uther's daughter gave me another hope that this could be different.

Then Uther raped Igraine and thus was born Arthur. Another change, but not one for the better, I should have taken that more thoroughly into consideration. Here I saw however changed by circumstance Uther would never be a good man. I thought I had determined what went wrong last time, the ingredient that made it all fall apart, so in my immortal wisdom, I determined it was my right, my duty even to change that. Looking back I can say maybe it helped, maybe it didn't, what did it matter when it all ended the same? So I went to Uther and told him to give me the child for protection, neglecting to mention that he was the one I was protecting the child from. Then I gave Arthur to Sir Ector and did not tell him who he was so that he might learn humility (even then I was not so foolish as to believe I could teach him humility when I already considered him my king. Nor could I teach my first, most important lesson to Arthur that everyone was worthy of respect even servants when I was no longer a servant myself. No, better to teach this lesson early letting him be treated as lesser at first.)

By some good fortune Uther died a few years later, so all assumed I foresaw this and this was what I had protected Arthur from. So I recalled an old trick and put a sword in a stone, declaring that whoever could remove it would be king (then enchanting it so only Arthur could). This kept the warring to a minimum, while keeping the throne open for Arthur.

When Arthur was a little older I started to give him lessons. I told myself this was for him, that he would need these things when he became king. With hindsight I see that I was just trying to mold him into my Arthur.

Then Ector and Kay when to try the sword in the stone and Arthur pulled it out. With my intimidating presence there he was declared king. He was reunited with his mother. He started to gather his knights of the round table. I was certain that this was my second chance and I had fixed everything. When Arthur's sword broke, I took him to the Lake and her Lady gave him his inheritance. But afterwards she questioned me, wondering if he was really ready. I blew her off with words of my success.

And I continued to be proven right. Guinevere came to court and with some mild encouragement Arthur chose her as his wife. It might not have been the move forward for equal rights it was the first time as she was not a princess, but I was certain it was for the best, they were soulmates after all.

Next came Lancelot who Arthur fought and won over and who seemed just as noble as before. I saddened me to have to be distant from my friends, but I was now a powerful sorcerer to be revered and respected, not a servant boy to be befriended. I considered it a small price, but it perhaps left me with too much time and loneliness, so that when Nimueh came to me seeking apprenticeship all I could see was chance to fix another thing that had been broken and a companion for myself, what a fool I was.

Of my two purposes in taking in Nimueh, it is clear I only succeed in one. She was a good companion and we could relate deeply as two creatures of magic in ways that I rarely had had the opportunity to with another person. But I became too distracted, looking back now on all that went wrong: Morgana's corruption, the mistreatment of Mordred, failed quests for the grail. And I was too focused on my successful 'fixing her' and 'making her good' to notice.

And that focus was all for naught as Nimueh, of course, was no good than Camelot was okay. She had no problem listening to my tutelage in magic, but I taught too much, convinced as I was that this was another success story and I had fixed what had gone wrong before. I was so convinced that in my loneliness I took her as a lover. She knew me more completely than anyone in hundreds of years and she was not scared, only enchanted. But her enchantment came from a desire for my power, not love of me, however much I loved her for being someone who understood. She also chafed under my restrictions against dark magic. Once she determined she had learned enough, she put that knowledge, both of magic and of me, to the test. She passed with flying colors.

Now I am trapped in this cave of crystal, able to watch but not interfere. So I watched as it all came down. As this Gwen who never had to fight for her Arthur proved she never would have and chose another. As this Lancelot proved he was never as noble as mine and had an affair with a married women where mine refused to get between even a budding relationship. As this Arthur was thoughtlessly crueler to his bastard son than mine was to a druid stranger and let himself become consumed with Gwen and Lance's betrayal so he did not notice the unrest in his own kingdom until it was too late. And I watched as Arthur and Mordred killed each other once more. As brotherhood, nobility, and equality demonstrated how fragile they truly were.

Now I am watching still as another Arthur is born, proving it was always just part of a cycle, never a second chance. My only hope is that I am the poison I once thought Uther was and Nimueh in preventing my interference actually saved them all. It is not a strong hope, but if not it appears I will be doomed to forever watch Arthur rise and fall again, offering me hope and destroying it. But it is no worse that I deserve, isn't it? If I had played my part right the first time I could have saved him, now I never will.


End file.
